Psychologists say that in these first days of shock, sadness, pain, and anger, it is very important to be careful not to forget about the physiological needs, food, water, sleep, and therapy of the chronically ill. Equally important is the presence of company for the bereaved.

The way children are raised, the education system and the culture of life in a society come to the surface during a tragedy. Ida Protugjer, a psychologist and personal and organizational development coach, has undergone training in crisis management in Vienna, and from there she shares her experience.

– In Austria, it is not unusual to hear sirens as a preparation. I mean, I haven't heard them in Skopje for many years, and here, tests of this type are regularly carried out among the population. In schools, children have special preparations for fire evacuation, an alarm is simulated and the children have to go through all the steps for that evacuation to be carried out safely. There was a bomb threat at my son's school a few months ago, and I really liked the fact that we parents were informed about all the activities, because in a crisis intervention it is very important for people from the institutions to tell the population all the information in a timely and transparent manner. That is very important, in order to calm the population, to re-establish that trust that nothing can get out of control, that the system is here and will take all possible steps – Protugjer tells Free Press.

She adds that two years ago they received a letter from the state on what to do if a "blackout" (complete power outage, transportation) occurred in the city.

– The letter states, if a total collapse occurs in Vienna, what would be the procedures, whether the child should stay at school or someone should pick him up, whether he can return home safely, whether he can return home on foot, how far is the home from the school. Also, with every enrollment in school, every year, there is a contact questionnaire, which parent is contacted first, which person second, which person third and which person fourth! In Macedonia, we need to see what those holes in the system are so that they can be filled with standards or where there are already prescribed procedures, to revise them, because the procedures in Macedonia are very easily modified or not followed due to that corrupt network, which is also the reason for this tragedy in Kocani – said Protugjer.

What if this happened to me?

Peers identify with the tragedy, putting themselves in the role of the victims, the eyewitnesses. According to Protugjer, the root of the problem comes from the decades-long culture of home upbringing and communication.

– We have a culture in Macedonia, we don't ask children "how they feel" but "how did they do at school?" We talk more about children's behavior, about how we react to what happened, and we are less focused on how we feel, how children feel. And that's why it's very important to validate emotions - she says.

Safety, calm, connection, stabilization, and some hope. These are the five principles that should be followed.

– The parent should first validate their own emotion, how they feel, and then it is useful to share with the child that they are sad too. If the parent notices that their child is sad, but the child is withdrawn, then the mother or father can say on their behalf, “I see you are sad,” but “it will pass” or comforting does not work because it denies the emotion. I will often hear when expressing sympathy, “be strong.” The person who is grieving should not be told, “be strong,” it does not help – she says.

In this collective trauma, as Protugjer says, it is necessary to say out loud that we are sad, to remain aware of that emotion, and to share it.

– I think it's good that a few days ago people gathered in the square in Skopje, because we are together in grief, it's a connection on an emotional level. And the children, if they are children, they also want to express their condolences, and since Kocani is far away, some walls can be made where they can leave a drawing, a message, simply to have a space where they can show their emotion in this collective grief – says Protugjer.

In addition to the need to establish a crisis headquarters in schools, educators need to have a great deal of understanding for children these days, and, as she says, they need to provide great support for students.

– I read that in elementary schools, teachers forbade children from leaving classes for a gathering dedicated to the victims, that is wrong – said our interlocutor.

Loss of a famous person

The music of the band DNA is a favorite among young audiences. The deaths of the band members have hit their fans hard.

– It's about daily connection with those songs, daily identity. We grow up and all those experiences, songs that happen to us with classmates, events, they are all part of our experiences that build our identity. And that is now grieving. When we remember our favorite band, our friend, our buddy, our partner… The emotional experience when we listened to those songs, when we were connected to a company, that is what causes us such strong sadness, because we were emotionally connected. That also needs to be healed – she says.

In addition to the families and loved ones of those who suffered from the fire at the Pulse disco in Kocani, the tragedy affected all of Macedonia, the region… the pain is felt by every single person. But how is this sadness reflected on the vulnerable category of citizens who are not directly affected by the accident, but feel it as a reflection, such as parents who have ever lost a child in a fire or in some accident, pregnant women, expectant mothers, the peers of the victims, babies…

In the rest of the interview with psychologist Protugjer, we cover topics related to vulnerable categories of citizens in this collective grief.