Conversation with psychologist Ivan Hristov: How to talk to your child about sex and love relationships

Ivan Hristov, photo: Private archive, Profimedia

Children and teens who have regular conversations with their parents or a loved one about sex and love relationships are less likely to take risks with their sexual health and are more likely to be healthy and safe. So it is never too early and never too late to start talking to your child about sex and relationships.

Ivan Hristov is a school psychologist and Gestalt psychotherapist under supervision. Has many years of experience working with school and preschool children. He has worked on domestic and foreign projects in the field of education and early childhood development. He is also a trainer in the field of psychology and psychological support. Hristov believes that through awareness, responsibility and support we can change our behavior and have a more fulfilling daily life.

- As soon as children begin to learn to speak, you can teach them the names of their body parts, and when they begin to be around other children, you can teach them to respect other people and talk about their feelings. Healthy childhood contacts lay the foundation for healthy sexuality and relationships with people later in life.

Is it important that the conversation be age-appropriate?

- It's a matter of what details you include. For example, if a 5-year-old asks: “What is birth? you can answer: "When the baby comes out of the mother's body." If a 10-year-old asks the same question, your answer may be more detailed and may begin with, "After 9 months of growing in the mother's womb, the baby comes out of her vagina."

Do not worry if your child is in elementary or high school and you have not yet started talking to them about these things. It's never too late, and there are many ways to start a conversation. Just do not try to say everything at once - it can overwhelm them. It is better to have short conversations. The most important thing is to let your child know that he can ask you questions or come to you for support without fear of shame or condemnation. The sooner your relationship is based on trust rather than shame, the more likely it is that in the future you will have a more honest relationship based on support.

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How to start talking about sex and love relationships with your children?

Talking to your child about sex, relationships and his health is a lifelong conversation. Short conversations, instead of meaningful and unpleasant "conversations", reduce the pressure on you and help your child process your values ​​and information over time. Having regular conversations also sends a message that these topics are important enough to keep you open and that they are a normal part of life. This relationship is transmitted later in life and to other topics.

Everyday life offers many opportunities to talk about sexuality and relationships. Here are some common moments to start a conversation:

- When you, a family member, friend or neighbor says she is pregnant
- When puberty, dating, LGBTI + questions, love or sex appear on a TV show, in a movie or song
- When gender stereotypes are seen in commercials, games, TV, books, movies, etc.
- When you see unrealistic portraits or very sexualized bodies (ie photoshopped celebrities or models)
- Ads for pads and tampons or condoms
- News or ads that talk about sex

Be open and listen to their answers. Fill in the gaps in knowledge and correct misinformation when you hear it. If they are embarrassed when you raise one of these topics, reassure them that it is okay to be ashamed of these things - but they have nothing to be ashamed of. Share with them how you participated when you learned about these topics and from whom you learned. Let them know that they can always come to you to talk, get advice, find good information, or get access to health care.

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How to answer your children's questions about sex and relationships?

- When your child comes to you with a question about sex and relationships, take some time and appreciate what you have done to get you to this point. If he feels comfortable asking you these questions, it means that your child trusts and respects you.

Here are some tips to help you answer those questions:

- Do not rush to conclusions about why they ask. You might say, 'Can you tell me what you already know about that? or "What have you heard about that?"
- Keep your answers short and simple and explain new words your child may not have heard before.
- After giving an answer, leave the conversation open. You can say, "What other questions do you have about this?" Or "What happened that made you ask me about these things?"
- Check how much they understand. After answering a question, you can ask: “Did this answer your question? or "What do you think about that?"
- If you do not know the answer to something, you can ask for it together. You could say: “I'm glad he asked that question. I'm not sure how to explain what the answer is. Let's see!"

Remember, it's okay if you feel a little uncomfortable or if you or your child is embarrassed. Try to overcome your shame. Shame, however, is a learned social emotion that is closely related to these topics. The conversation will be worth it for both of you. Plus, the more often you answer difficult questions, the easier it is.

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